Laugh and be Healthy

Have a Blonde One

2007-03-02T15:40:00.000-08:00

A blonde woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
The clerk says, "What denomination?"
The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? - -
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Sent to me via email by my buddy from
the States, Dr. Richard Tam

Two Months Overdue

2006-10-12T19:12:00.000-07:00

In New Delhi, Mr. Sharma comes homes one night,
and his wife throws her
arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a
month overdue. I think
we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a
test today, but until we
find out for sure, we can't tell anybody".

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone
call from DEB (Delhi
Electric Board) because the electricity bill has
not been paid.

"Am I speaking to Mrs Sharma?

"Yes.....speaking"
DEB Guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, maam, it's in our
files!" says the DEB guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your
files....HOW????

"Yes.... we have a system of finding out who's
overdue"

"Oh my Goodness!!!!! This is too much....."
"Madam, I am sorry..... I am following orders. I
have to inform you
are overdue.
I know that.... Let me talk to my husband about
this tonight. He will
speak to your company tomorrow"

That night, she tells her husband about the call,
and he, mad as a
bull, rushes to the DEB office the next morning.
"What's going on? You have it on your file that
my wife is one month overdue? "What business is that of yours?" the
husband shouts.

"Just calm down, "says the lady at the reception
at DEB, "it's nothing
serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but
to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband
asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a
candle!"

Sent via email by Freddie Cang

> >

Four Women in Discussion

2006-10-08T00:41:00.000-07:00

Even if you didn't grow up a Catholic, you'll appreciate this one......

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together,discussing how
important their children are. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a
priest. When he walks into a room everyone calls him "Father.

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace".

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down,
but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your
Eminence".

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence.
The first three women give her this subtle "Well...?"
She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2," hard bodied, well hung, male stripper.

Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "Oh! My God!"

(Adapted from Send It Out Newsletter).

The Importance of Honesty

2006-10-07T22:02:00.000-07:00

ONE DAY, WHEN A SEAMSTRESS WAS SEWING WHILE SITTING CLOSE TO A RIVER,
HER THIMBLE FELL INTO THE RIVER.
WHEN SHE CRIED OUT, THE LORD APPEARED AND ASKED, "MY DEAR CHILD,
WHY ARE YOU CRYING?"
THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED THAT HER THIMBLE HAD FALLEN INTO THE WATER AND
THAT SHE NEEDED IT TO HELP HER HUSBAND IN MAKING A LIVING FOR THEIR
FAMILY.
THE LORD DIPPED HIS HAND INTO THE WATER AND PULLED UP A GOLDEN
THIMBLE SET WITH PEARLS. "IS THIS YOUR THIMBLE?" THE LORD ASKED.
THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "NO."
THE LORD AGAIN DIPPED INTO THE RIVER. HE HELD OUT A SILVER THIMBLE
RINGED WITH SAPPHIRES. "IS THIS YOUR THIMBLE?" THE LORD ASKED AGAIN, THE
SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "NO."
THE LORD REACHED DOWN AGAIN AND CAME UP WITH A LEATHER THIMBLE.
"IS THIS Y OUR THIMBLE?" THE LORD ASKED.
THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "YES."
THE LORD WAS PLEASED WITH THE WOMAN'S HONESTY AND GAVE HER ALL THREE
THIMBLES TO KEEP, AND THE SEAMSTRESS WENT HOME HAPPY.
SOME YEARS LATER, THE SEAMSTRESS WAS WALKING WITH HER HUSBAND ALONG THE
RIVERBANK, AND HER HUSBAND FELL INTO THE RIVER AND DISAPPEARED UNDER
THE WATER.
WHEN SHE CRIED OUT, THE LORD AGAIN APPEARED AND ASKED HER, "WHY ARE YOU

CRYING?"
"OH LORD, MY HUSBAND HAS FALLEN INTO THE RIVER!"
THE LORD WENT DOWN INTO THE WATER AN! D CAME U P WITH GEORGE CLOONEY .
"IS THIS YOUR HUSBAND?" THE LORD ASKED.
"YES," CRIED THE SEAMSTRESS.
THE LORD WAS FURIOUS. "YOU LIED! THAT IS AN UNTRUTH!
THE SEAMSTRESS REPLIED, "OH, FORGIVE ME, MY LORD. IT IS A
MISUNDERSTANDING. YOU SEE, IF I HAD SAID 'NO' TO GEORGE CLOONEY, YOU
WOULD HAVE COME UP WITH BRAD PITT. THEN IF I SAID 'NO' TO HIM, YOU WOULD
HAVE

COME UP WITH MY HUSBAND. HAD I THEN SAID 'YES,' YOU WOULD HAVE GIVEN ME
ALL THREE.
LORD, I'M NOT IN THE BEST OF HEALTH AND WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE
OF ALL THREE HUSBANDS, SO THAT'S WHY I SAID 'YES' TO GEORGE CLOONEY."
THE MORAL OF THIS STORY IS:
WHENEVER A WOMAN LIES, IT'S FOR A GOOD AND HONORABLE REASON, AND IN THE
BEST INTEREST OF OTHERS.
THAT'S OUR STORY, AND WE'RE STICKING TO IT

_________________________________________________________________
Find love on MSN Personals http://personals.msn.com.sg/

Church Gossip

2006-09-24T18:05:00.000-07:00

Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members' private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... and left it there all night!

Adapted from "Send It Out Newsletter".

There's A Durian For Everyone

2006-07-18T21:27:00.000-07:00

In Penang, Malaysia, the best place to get good durian is in the town of Balik Pulau, on the southwest corner of Penang Island. Balik Pulau is a 30 minute drive over the main range and has a lot of durian estates.

D11
"Number Eleven" is a very popular durian in the 70's. It has creamy yellow flesh with a pleasant taste and a subtle smell.

D604
The D604 was first cultivated by the late Mr. Teh Hew Hong of Sungai Pinang, Balik Pulau. The flesh is quite sweet, and has some "body" to it as the seed is small.

D600
This durian originates in Sungai Pinang in Balik Pulau. The flesh has a bittersweet taste to it, with a touch of sourness. The one that I documented is a bit hard.

D700
The flesh is darker than D600, like chrome yellow. Also slightly hard. Crispy, but the smell is not very strong.

Ang Sim (Red Heart)
Ang Sim is a durian with flesh which is quite soft and very sweet, and dark yellow in colour. It also has a nice aroma.

Khun Poh
This durian takes the name of the late Mr Lau Khun Poh, who first budded it. Khun Poh has beautiful orangy flesh with a slightly bitter-sweet taste and a heavy aroma.

Hor Loh (Water Gourd Durian)
The flesh of the Hor Loh is very soft, dry and quite bitter. It has a sharp smell to it. Hor Loh was first cultivated at the Brown Estate of Sungai Ara. It got its name from its appearance resembling a "Hor Lor" pumpkin. If the durian hits the ground hard when it falls, the flesh tends to be bitter thereafter.

Ang Heh (Red Prawn Durian)
Ang Heh originates from Pondok Upeh, Balik Pulau, and has a round-shaped husk. The orange reddish flesh is highly aromatic, very soft with a bitter-sweet taste.

Xiao Hung (Little Red Durian)
Xiao Hung, whose name means "Little Red One," originates in Sungai Pinang, Balik Pulau. The flesh has a bittersweet taste to it, with a touch of sourness. The one that I tasted for this write-up is a bit hard. There are only one or two seeds per section, but the flesh is thick.

Yah Kang (Centipede Durian)
Yah Kang is one of my favourite durians. Although its flesh is whitish, the taste is superb, milky, like very sweet, melting chocolate. The name "yah kang" means centipede, and accounts for the number of centipedes found at the foot of the tree, hence giving it the rather unusual name.

Bak Eu (Pork Fat Durian)
Bak Eu has a slightly acidic aroma. The flesh is whitish while the taste is quite bitter but nice.

D17
D17 is dark cream flesh. The taste is slightly dry but sweet. It is a tasty durian.

Coupling
This durian is gets its unusual name because it looks like two durians joined together, one big and one small. When split open, you almost thought the two halves belong to two different durian. Coupling has whitish flesh which is slightly dry but tastes good.

Ooi Kyau (Tumeric Durian)
The name Ooi Kyau (tumeric) describes the colour of the bright yellow flesh of this durian. It is very sweet and tasty.

Chaer Phoy (Green Skin Durian)
Chaer Phoy is shaped like a small canteloupe. The skin is bright green, giving it the name which means "green skin". Chaer Phoy has creamy white flesh which is a bit dry, not too sweet but tasty.

Ang Jin (Red Yoke Durian)
As the name suggests, Ang Jin Durian has deep orange flesh. It is very sweet and tasty.

Lin Fong Jiau
This durian is named after Lin Fong Jiau, aka Mrs Jackie Chan. I wonder whether it is indicative of the relationship of the celebrity couple, for Lin Fong Jiau is a bittersweet

Plastic Surgery!

2006-07-18T21:22:00.000-07:00

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants
her vagina lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the
breeze.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and
the Surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses
carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately
calls
in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality
and
that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through
this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to
thank you for his new ears."

Seng by ex-customer of Rialto Italian cuisine, Soh Yah.

What Would Others Think ....

2006-07-01T09:40:00.000-07:00

A pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased
with the donkey that he entered it in the race
again, and it won again.
The local newspaper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity
that he ordered the
pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day, the local newspaper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
pastor to get rid of the
donkey.
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby
convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the
following headline the next
day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she
would have to get rid of
the donkey,
so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the
nun to buy back the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.
The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES...HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day....

The moral of the story is.... Being concerned about
public opinion can
bring you much grief and misery and even shorten
your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life. You'll be a lot
happier and live longer!

Sent by my friend from Sarawak, Lynn Lee

The Spanish Computer

2006-06-17T18:35:00.000-07:00

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House," for instance, is feminine: "la casa." "Pencil," is masculine: "el lapiz."

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?"

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be masculine or feminine noun.

Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine
gender ("la computadora") because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible
later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half
your paycheck on accessories for it.

What did the girls think? Find out in Friday's issue of the eNN.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador") because
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are
the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could have gotten a better model.

So who won?

The women.

Seng by Janice Lee via email.

When did you last sharpen your axe?

2006-06-17T05:27:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, there was a very strong man. He asked for a job from
a timber merchant, and he got it. The pay was really good and so were
the work conditions. For that reason, the man was determined to do his
best. His boss gave him an axe and showed him the area where he is
supposed to work. The first day, he brought down 18 trees. The Boss was
very much impressed and said, "Congratulations Go on that way! Very
motivated by the words of the boss, he tried harder the next day, but
only could bring down 15 trees. The third day he tried even harder, but
he could only bring down 10 trees. Day after day he was bringing down
less and less trees. "I must be losing my strength", he thought to
himself. He went to the Boss and apologized, saying that he could not
understand what was going on. "When was the last time you sharpened
your axe?" the boss asked. "Sharpen? I had no time to sharpen my axe. I
have been busy cutting trees.

The moral of this story:
Our lives are like that. We sometimes get so busy that we don't take
time to sharpen the axe. In today's world, it seems that everyone is
busier than ever, but less happy than ever. Why is that? Could it be
that we have forgotten how to stay sharp? There's nothing wrong with
activity and hard work. But we should not get so busy and neglect the
truly important things in life, like our personal life, taking time to
care for others, Taking time to read etc. We all need time to relax, to
think and meditate, to learn and grow. If you don't take the time to
sharpen the axe, we will become dull and lose our effectiveness. So,
start from today, think about the ways by which you could do your job
more effectively and add a lot of value to it. Hope this story has given
you some insight to life, may you be happy always!

"TO HANDLE YOURSELF, USE YOUR HEAD.
TO HANDLE OTHERS, USE YOUR HEART

Sent to me by Janice Lee via email

An Old Story .....

2006-06-15T05:08:00.000-07:00

Some years ago, on a hot summer day in south Florida, a little boy decided
to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to
dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes,
socks, and shirt as he went.

He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of
the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.

His father working in the yard saw the two as they got closer and closer
together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as
loudly as he could.

Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim
to his father. It was too late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator
reached him. From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms
just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war
between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the father, but the
father was much too passionate to let go. A farmer happened to drive by,
heard his screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.

Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived.
His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on
his arms, were deep scratches where his father's fingernails dug into his
flesh in his effort to hang on to the son he loved.

The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he
would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with
obvious pride, he said to the reporter, "But look at my arms. I have great
scars on my arms, too. I have them because my Dad wouldn't let go."

You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not
from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are
unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are
because God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been
there holding on to you.

The Scripture teaches that God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants
to protect you and provide for you in every way But sometimes we foolishly
wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming
hole of life is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy is waiting
to attack. That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have the scars of
His love on your arms, be very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever
let you go.

Please pass this on to those you love. God has blessed you, so that you can
be a blessing to others. You just never know where a person is in his/her
life and what they are going through.

Never judge another persons scars, because you don't know how they got them.
Also, it is so important that we are not selfish, to receive the blessings
of these messages, without forwarding them to someone else.

Right now, someone needs to know that God loves them, and you love them, too
- enough to not let them go.

Forward by Elena Ho

Choo Choo Train :-)

Use It or Lose It!

2006-06-10T08:22:00.000-07:00

The wife comes home early and finds her husband in their master bedroom
making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the
faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband replies, "Wait, wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
listen to what happened."

"It'll be the last thing I'll hear from you so make it fast."

The husband begins to tell his story . .

"While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so
defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that
she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that
she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought
her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night
that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the
poor thing, practically inhaled them.

Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.
While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
holes so I threw her clothes away.
Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have
had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too
tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our
anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave
her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will
not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that
you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after
you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . ."The young woman was very grateful
to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned
around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use?"

Sent by my ex-customer of Rialto Italian Cuisine, Chin Shan.

Choo Choo :-)

Through the rapists' eyes

2006-06-10T06:17:00.000-07:00

A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1) The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2) The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women whose clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around specifically to cut clothing.

3) They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.

4) Men are most likely to attack & rape in the early morning, between 5:00 a.m. and 8:30 a.m.

5) The number one place women are abducted from/attacked is grocery store parking lots. Number two is office parking lots/garages. Number three is public restrooms.

6) The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to another location where they don't have to worry about getting caught.

7) Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.

8) If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming

9) These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas, or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands. Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth it.

10) Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk: "I can't believe it is so cold out here", "we're in for a bad winter." Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up; you lose appeal as a target.

11) If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell STOP or STAY BACK ! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

12) If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yell I HAVE PEPPER Spray and holding it out will be a deterrent.

13) If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm (between the elbow and armpit) OR in the upper inner thigh VERY VERY HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands- the guy needed stitches.

Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it hurts.

14) After the initial hit, always GO for the GROIN. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he's out of there.

15) When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

16) Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts.You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was troubles.

PLEASE READ THEN FORWARD THIS TO EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW, IT'S SIMPLE STUFF BUT IT COULD SAVE HER LIFE

Memorandum: How to Save Bankrupt Airlines

2006-06-10T05:42:00.000-07:00

Replace all flight attendants with some good-lookin'
strippers!

Why keep 'em, they don't even serve food anymore,
so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple
the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere"
going in the cabin.

And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this
country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of
seeing naked women.
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the
airline industry would see record revenues.

Why didn't Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

Forwarded by Richard Lewinsky, USA

What Do You See?

2006-06-08T03:40:00.000-07:00

TAKE A LOOK AT THE PICTURE.

WHAT DO YOU SEE?

CHECK THE EXPLANATION BELOW.

YOU'LL FIND THIS VERY INTERESTING.

You saw a couple in an intimate pose, right?

Interestingly, research has shown that young children cannot identify the intimate couple because they do not have prior memory associated with such a scenario.

What they WILL see, however, is the nine dolphins in the picture!

So, I guess we've already proven you're not a young innocent child... now... If it's hard for you to find the dolphins within 6 seconds, your mind is indeed corrupt and you probably need help, you sicko!

Ok, here's help.... look at the space between her right arm and her head, the tail is on her neck, follow it up. look at her left hip, follow the shaded part down, it's another one, and on his shoulder..... see them now?

Installing Love

2006-06-07T06:22:00.000-07:00

Tech Support: Yes, ... how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install
Love. Can you guide me through the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm
ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located
our
Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is
it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running ?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and
Resentment running right now.

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from
our current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but
it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override
Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem.
However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs
prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness.
Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have
been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that
normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program.
You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error -
Program not run on external components." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up
to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In
non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before
you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following
files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your
Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.

Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system
will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty
programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all
directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely
gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files.
Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying
themselves all over My Heart, Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually
everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and
running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be
sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in
turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

From:
Class 2006 monitor

The above sent by my friend, Janice Lee.

Choo Choo Kam :-)

Jokes

2006-06-02T23:19:00.000-07:00

"Hello Colin, what are you doing riding around on that woman's bicycle?"

"Well it's a long story," replied Desmond. "I was on my way into town when
this lady pases me on a bicycle. She stops, waits for me to catch up, gives me
a kiss and then takes her clothes off!"

"You can have anything you want," she says, so I took the bicycle... Well I'm not a pervert, I don't wear women's clothes."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm getting a divorce," said Jack to his mate, Bill. "The wife hasn't spoken to me for six months."

Bill thought about this for a moment and then replied, "Just make sure you know what you're doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find".

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
''Oh Tracy, I love you," he whispered. "Please tell me there's no one else in your life."

"Of course, there's no one else. Do you think I'd go to the cinema with you if there were someone else?" she replied.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If only the young man had been more sexually experienced! When she asked him if he fancied something from the Karma Sutra, he replied, "Thanks, but not for me. Indian food has me on the toilet all night."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A rather shy young man went along to the village dance and met up with a rather pretty girl His chat up lines were sadyly lacking, so in blind panic, he said the only thing he could think of.
"You're scottish, aren't you?"
"Ay, I am, how did ye know that?"
"It's the way you roll your R's."
"Oh no," she said. "It's these high-heeled shoes that do that."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I love you very much," said the ardent young lover. "I may not have much money like my mate, Martin. I may not have a sports car or a cottage in the country like him. But I love you with all my heart and everything I have is yours."

"Very nice, she replied, preoccupied, "but just tell me a little more about Martin."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Overheard in a parked car down lovers lane:
"Suck, Beryl, suck.... blow is just a figure of speech."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He has such a bad memory that the only thing that stays in his head for more than 12 hours is a cold.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are the signs of growing older?
At the beginning it is tri-weekly; then 20 years later, it is try weekly, but after 65 it is try weakly,
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Killer

2006-05-31T06:16:00.000-07:00

One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York Police Precinct to report that his new American wife was planning to kill him.

The Copper on duty was intrigued by this and asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? I mean, did she threaten to kill you?"

"Nope," replied the nervous immigrant.

"Well, did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?"

"Nope."

"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"

"Nope."

"Then why in Christ's name did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.

"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle.

The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said,

"Hey man, what so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said, 'Polish Remover'?"

(Adapted from "Send it out Newsletter)

The Vet

2006-05-29T09:08:00.000-07:00

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man...
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

Taken from "Send It Out Newsletter"

Choo Choo :-)

S-T-R-0-K-E !!

2006-05-23T18:05:00.001-07:00

STROKE: Remember The 1st Three Letters...S.T.R.

My friend sent this to me and encouraged me to post it and spread the word. I agree. If everyone can remember something this simple, we could save some folks. Seriously.. Please read:

STROKE IDENTIFICATION:
During a BBQ, a friend stumbled and took a little fall - she assured everyone that she was fine (they offered to call paramedics) and just tripped over a brick because of her new shoes. They got her cleaned up and got her a new plate of food - while she appeared a bit shaken up, Ingrid went about enjoying herself the rest of the evening. Ingrid's husband called later telling everyone that his wife had been taken to the hospital - (at 6:00pm , Ingrid passed away.) She had suffered a stroke at the BBQ. Had they known how to iden tify the signs of a stroke, perhaps Ingrid would be with us today. Some don't die. They end up in a helpless, hopeless condition instead. It only takes a minute to read this...

A neurologist says that if he can get to a stroke victim within 3 hours he can totally reverse the effects of a stroke...totally. He said the trick was getting a stroke recognized, diagnosed, and then getting the patient medically cared for within 3 hours, which is tough.

RECOGNIZING A STROKE
Thank God for the sense to remember the "3" steps, STR . Read and Learn! Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify. Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer severe brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke.
Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

S * Ask the individual to SMILE.
T * Ask the person to TALK to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (i.e. .. . It is sunny out today).
R * Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

NOTE: Another 'sign' of a stroke is this: Ask the person to 'stick' out their tongue. If the tongue is 'crooked', if it goes to one side or the other that is also an indication of a stroke. If he or she has trouble with ANY ONE of these tasks, call 911 immediately!! and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher.

A cardiologist says if everyone who gets this e-mail sends it to 10 people; you can bet that at least one life will be saved.

Email forward by my ex-customer of Rialto, Chin Shan

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Chicken

2006-05-22T23:39:00.000-07:00

Why did the chicken cross the road?:

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes! The chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDP A: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 98, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?

IMMANUEL KANT: The chicken was acting out of a sense of duty to cross the road, as chickens have traditionally crossed roads throughout history.

THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did not cross the road. I don't know any chickens. I have never known any chickens.

Choo Choo :-)

Adapted from "Send It Out Newsletter"

Jason's blog

2006-05-17T05:22:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when I have extra time, I would like to go into random blogs and when I do come across a good or interesting blog, I will recommend to readers.

Recently, I came across an excellent blog. Jason of http://jttphx.blogspot.com posts good photos and pictures. I have posted one of his illustration of photos "Nature Truly HaS A Sense of Humour". Look into Jason's blog and be enriched.

Choo Choo Train :-)

Nature Truly Has A Sense Of Humour

2006-05-16T03:57:00.000-07:00

This weeks post of photos are a tasty series of those delicious fruits and vegetables that we all should have part of our balanced diet. Mother Nature sure has a sense of humor at times. Enjoy.

Please Note: These are actual photos- no digital enhancements here kiddies ;)

I D TEN T ERROR

2006-05-13T16:14:00.000-07:00

I was having trouble with my computer, so I called the computer guy over to my desk. He clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID Ten T Error."

A puzzled expression ran over my face.
"An ID Ten T Error?

What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

He gave me a grin. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID Ten T Error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

(Scroll Down when you are ready ... )

I wrote: I D 1 0 T

Better Be Safe than Sorry

2006-05-10T18:18:00.000-07:00

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could
you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I
think I may be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and the young man leaves. He soon
returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is
very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she
sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns
back and says,"Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum
is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since
she invited me for dinner, think she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left,
the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there,
the boy lowers his head and
Starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you
give us."

A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your
kindness."

Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down.

The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more
surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear,
"I didn't know you were so religious." The boy replies, "I didn't know your
dad was a pharmacist".

Joke sent by ex-customer of Rialto, Soh Yah.

Choo Choo Train :-)

Laugh and Be Full of Joy

2006-05-10T09:20:00.000-07:00

SUNDAY:PALM
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES. THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR. "PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED, "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"

CHILDREN'S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?" "I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"

SUPPORT A FAMILY:
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."

GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS.
GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"

FIRST TIME USHERS :
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY. I'M UNDER FIVE"

PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME, DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?"
"NO SIR," HE REPLIED,
"WE DON'T HAVE TO, MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"

CLIMB THE WALLS:
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT" THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.

THE MOOD RING:
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD,IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.

THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL.. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT AND HEADED FOR THE NEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED AND THEN REPLIED..... ;"I REMEMBER."

LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE,"THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU.

The above sent by Janice M.K. Lee via email.

Choo Choo Train :-)

The origin of Christianity

2006-05-06T12:38:00.000-07:00

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.

When the son returned, he said, "Papa, I have converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"

He took his problem to his best friend.

"Ike," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian.

What shall I do?"

"Funny you should ask," said Ike. "I too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian."

Perhaps we should go see the rabbi. So they did, and they explained their problem to the rabbi.

"Funny you should ask," said the rabbi. "I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?"

And so they all prayed, telling the Lord about their sons.

As they finished praying, a voice came from the heavens:

"Funny you should ask," said the voice. "I, too, sent my son to
Israel........."

Sent by Richard Tam, via email.

Gan Chau :-)

Prince Charles and the Corgi

2006-05-02T18:48:00.000-07:00

Prince Charles was driving around the Windsor Castle estate when he accidentally ran over his mother's favourite corgi, crushing it to a pulp. He got out of his car and sat down on the grass, totally distraught. The whole world was against him anyway, and now his mother would go ballistic. Suddenly, he noticed an old oil lamp half buried in the ground. He dug it up, started cleaning it up, and immediately a genie appeared.
"You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment," said the genie. "As a reward, I shall grant you one wish."
"Well," said the Prince, "I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog." They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. "Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?" the Prince asked.
The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head. "This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?"
The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. "I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana," said Charles, showing the genie the first photo. "But now I love this woman named Camilla," and he showed the second photo to the genie. "You can see that Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?"
The genie studied the two photographs and, after a few minutes, said, "Let's have another look at that dog."

posted by Clog

Differences

2006-05-01T06:38:00.000-07:00

A young boy asks his father, "Dad, is it ok for us guys to notice all the different kind of boobs?" Surprised, the father answers, "Well, sure son, we wouldn't be normal if we didn't.... there are all kinds of breasts...depending on a woman's age-- In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions, Dad?" "Yeah, you see them and they make you cry...." Not to be outdone, his sister asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?" The mother, delighted to have equal time, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yep, dried up and the balls are only there for decoration..."

From an email sent by a friend, Lily Lim.

Choo Choo Train :-)

The Husband

2006-04-30T00:02:00.000-07:00

John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away, noticed that John was ever so slowly sliding down his chair under the table while Mary acted unconcerned. Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up and replied firmly, "Oh, no. He did not. In fact, he just walked in the front door."

From "Send It Out Newsletter"

Choo Choo Train :-)

Keeping Cool

2006-04-28T18:45:00.000-07:00

In my handbag or briefcase, I must always have one or two books with me. I would read while waiting for the bus or MRT (Mass Rail Transit) or while waiting for clients. I would also read while queuing in the bank or post office.

Once I waited for my collegue, Miss Lim, at the Starbucks for 3 hours. I had no intention of drinking any coffee as I preferred our local black coffee. Morever, let us admit it, I feel that paying $3.40 for a cup of coffee seems much higher than that 70 cents at the kopi tiam (coffee shop.) The Starbucks was our meeting point and as usual, I took out my novel to read. 15 minutes dragged on to 30 minutes and there was still no sight of Miss Lim. After 50 minutes of waiting, I felt bad, and ordered a cup of coffee. Minutes passed by. Sometimes I stopped to look at some of the interesting customers who were dressed very fashionably. I eavesdropped on a group of youngsters discussing the political candidates for the coming election. At one point I felt a little sleepy and dozed off for fifteen minutes. Refreshed from the little catnap, I continued my reading.

I was almost finishing my novel, when Miss Lim calmly turned up like as if nothing had happened. No apologies... no evidence of hard breathing to show her desperate attempt to reach her destination in the earliest possible time... cooly and calmly she said "Hi!" Miss Lim is well known to be always late for appointments, but I never expected her to be so ooo ooooo late! 3 Hours! And all she said is "Hi!" No wonder she lived up to her nick name of "Miss Rubber Time".

My friends wondered how I could wait for someone that long. The secret is my books. Hence I could occupy my time well and would be less likely to get restless, agitated or bored from waiting. Like the Visa card advertisement, I could never leave home without my books.!!

Gan Chau :-)

BLONDE DETECTIVES

2006-04-28T18:26:00.000-07:00

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up
with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds"... think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does
in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

From "Send It Out Newsletter"

Gan Chau :-)

Why Men are Happier

2006-04-28T05:30:00.000-07:00

Why Men Are Just Happier People
What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T- shirt to a water park. You can wear no T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut or a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £5000. Morning suit rental £100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £8.95 for a three- pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails in 1 minute.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on Dec 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Above sent via email by my friend, Mr. C. Tan

Penang Cuisine in Singapore

2006-04-27T21:10:00.000-07:00

As everyone knows, Penang is famous for her cuisine. For those with a good appetite, Princess Terrace at Copthorne King's Hotel is still one of the best, offering a huge variety of Penang fare. I like their Hokkien Mee and Char Koay Teow as well as their Zhiu Hu Car (a kind of salad that is quite like the Indian rojak). Having a sweet tooth means the widespread dessert is a die die must try! The variety of colorful nonya kuehs, the bubor cha cha, ice kachang are what I usually tuck in. However, due to the constant nagging of my siblings and well-meaning friends, I have tried not to go for the buffet spread. Although Chef Mary Chong has spread her wings to London, the current chef, Mr. Loh, is just as good.

Hence, it was a great delight when I discovered Jason's Penang Cuisine when I was at the Ministry of Environment Building. Jason's has moved to the CBD (Central Business District) area and is now located at Amoy Street Food Centre, Stall No. #02-120. If you wish to have a party, you can call the lovely couple Jason or his wife, Linda, at 98495815. They would require 2 days advanced booking. The plate of char koay teow with prawns, cockles, chives, bean sprouts, eggs and crabmeat at $2.50/$3.00 per plate is real value for money! The Hokkien mee oozes with real prawn flavour and comes with a generous amount of fresh prawns, braised pork, bean sprouts, egg and vegetables. I brought my client, Mr. Edmund Ong (the gentleman who is 60 but looks like 40) and was surprised that health conscious Mr. Ong could not resist having a second bowl of Hokkien mee!! The dish is so good that he temporarily forgets his meticulousness with his diet!

Come and try the above recommendation. If you have time and want to entertain in style and comfort, Princess Terrace is the place to dine in. If you are in a hurry and not particularly too hungry, or if you are on a tight budget or strict diet, go for Jason's Penang food. The food centre is pleasant but is a little warm as there is no air-conditioning, but who cares when the food is perspiringly delicious!!

Gan Chau:-)

Dog Fight

2006-04-26T21:30:00.000-07:00

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

From "Send It Out Newsletter"

Choo Choo Train :-)

Sending Parcels Via CCW - Chinese Courier Way

2006-04-25T20:14:00.000-07:00

An innovative delivery method, the Chinese way... forget about DHL, UPS or even FedEx!! Enjoy reading!

A family in the Southern Province of China, were puzzled when a coffin of their grandmother arrived from the States. It was sent by one of the daughters of the deceased. The dead body was so tightly squeezed inside the coffin with no space left in it. When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top which read as follows:-

Dear Cousins,

I am sending Ah Ma's (Grandma's) body to you since it was her wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in Tung Shin. Sorry, I could not come along as I have used up all my paid leave.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ah Ma's body 12 bottles of Yohmeishu, 10 packets of Swiss chocolates and 10 packets of Chinatown lap cheong (sausages). Please divide these among all of you.

On Ah Ma's feet, you will find 3 new pairs of Nike Air shoes. One for Ah Boy (size 10) Another one for Ah Mei's son (size 8) and last one for Ah Liew's dughter (size 6). Hope the sizes are correct.

Ah Ma is wearing 6 CK T-shirts. The large size is for Ah Bak and the others are for my nephews. Just distribute among yourselves.

The 2 new Armani Jeans that Ah Ma is wearing are for the boys. The Rolex watch that Lee Ah Bai wanted is on Ah Ma's left wrist.

Kiasu Aunty Pei Pei, Ah ma is wearing the tiffany necklace, earrings and ring you asked for. Please take them.

The 6 white Polo cotton socks that Ah Ma is wearing must be divided among my teenage cousins. Let me know that else you need as Ah Kong is also not keeping well nowadays. I can send all the required things when our Ah Kong goes back too!

Love from America,

Cystal Jade (Suan Geok)

The above article sent via email by my friend, Attenborough Burns aka Freddy Cang who also sings at the Cafe Terrace, River View Hotel, Singapore

Equal vs. Same

2006-04-24T00:07:00.000-07:00

"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose. You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.

2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.

3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.

4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.

5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.

6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.

7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instintively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.

8. If a girl accidently burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidently burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.

9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.

10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.

11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.

12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.

13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.

14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

How To be 60 but look like 40

2006-04-23T06:20:00.000-07:00

Last month, a couple came to view one of my client's condominium at Symphony Heights. The puchaser explained that since he has retired, he wants to move to a smaller unit so as to make housekeeping an easier task for him and his wife.

"Retired?" I asked, surprised, because Mr. Edmund Ong looks like he is in his forties.

"Yes, I retired 5 years ago. I am 60!"

My jaws dropped! Gosh, Mr. Ong is a picture of health. He still has headful of hair, smooth shining complexion, a figure with 6 packs which would be the envy of many a movie star! I asked him for his secret of maintaining his physique.

"Avoid rich, oily and fast food, especially fried stuff. A daily exercise of 30 minutes is a must... can be in any form.... brisk walking, aerobics, etc. Try to sleep early before 11.00p.m. Try to relax and avoid worrying unnecessarily. Always maintain your sense of humour and see the ludicrous, and look at the bright side of things.

I suggested to Mr. Ong that since he has so much free time on his hands, he should perhaps set up a samll business to help people to be 60 yet look like 40. I am sure, Mr. Ong will have many clients! Definitely I will be the first to sign up!!

Choo Choo Train :-)

I am Fine

2006-04-22T05:54:00.000-07:00

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" Asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," The lawyer interrupted, "Just answer the
question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway
patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and
said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I
could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible
shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman
came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

(Adapted from "Send It Out Newsletter)

Choo Choo Train :-)

Recipe for Penang Char Koay Teow

2006-04-19T02:02:00.000-07:00

INGREDIENTS

1kg of fresh, fine koay teow
Half kg of fresh, medium sized prawns
30 gms of chives
half kg of fresh, bean sprouts
3 Chinese sausages
8 fresh eggs
32 to 40 fresh cockles
200 gms of fresh garlic
oyster sauce
a dash of salt
fresh ground chillies
a dash of sugar
cooking oil

PREPARATION

1. Peel the prawns.

2. Chop garlic finely.

3. Cut the sauces into fine pieces.

4. Cut chives into about one to two cm long.

FRYING

1. Heat a little oil in the wok.

2. Add garlic and stir fry till slightly brown.

3. Throw in the sausages.

4. Add in half to one teaspoon of fresh chillies.

5. Fry all the above till fragrant.

6. Add in a handful of koay teow.

7. Add in one egg.

8. Add some cut chives.

9. Add a handful of beansprouts.

10. Stir fry quickly and fry till fragrant and serve.

11. Repeat procedure, plate by plate.

PS. This is one dish that can be cooked to order. Make your guest feel importnt
by asking for his preference, eg. more beansprouts, less chilli, etc. Some may
be allergic to prawns or cockles, etc.

Gan Chau

3 Nice Jokes from Taiwan

2006-04-16T13:33:00.000-07:00

AIDS :

A man is dying of Cancer.

His son asked him : " Dad, why do you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS ?"

Answer : " So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom !"

======================================
Three Feelings :

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic ?

Stress is when wife is pregnant

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant

And Panic is when both are pregnant.

================================================

Chinese Adam and Eve :

If Adam and Eve were Chinese

We would still be in paradise because we Chinese would have ignored the
apple and eaten the snake !

Sent via email by Janice Lee Mui Keow

The Perfect Mate

2006-04-16T13:27:00.000-07:00

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce children beyond comparison.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent, but fruitless, search up and down the east coast, he started to head west. Shortly thereafter he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.

The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look them over and select the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion.
"Well" said the man, " She's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, but pigeon-toed."

The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
"Well," the man replied, "She's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell, cross-eyed."

The farmer nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, "She's perfect, just perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were wed right away.

Months later the baby was born. When the man visited nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could happen considering the parents.

"Well," explained the farmer, "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."

Adapted from "Send It Out Newsletter"

Laugh and be Healthy

2006-04-12T19:30:00.000-07:00

Since so many people have requested me for my personal recipes, I have decided to set up to blog on "laughter and health". Things that promote good health.... good food, joy, attitudes, etc.

I always enjoy talking to my eldest sister, Lee Lee. She is a very well read lady and would often share with me articles and information which she has gathered from books, magazines, etc.

Sister told me that laughter helps to clean out body toxins. It helps to build up the body immune system so that when a person laughs and is happy, he is able to fight sicknesses and diseases.

If readers would like to contribute articles and recipes, they are most welcome to write to me via email and I will post the articles in this blog.

Choo Choo Train :-)